Healthy Relationships on Both Sides: The Shalom Task Force Men’s Program

By Liba Lieberman, Yated

            For the past five years, Shalom Task Force’s groundbreaking work in creating healthy relationships and preventing domestic abuse has been brought to yeshivas throughout the metropolitan area, in a program for bochurim called Panim el Panim.  Meir Rizel, Director of Men’s Education for Shalom Task Force, explains the focus of his very successful program is on healthy dating and creating healthy interpersonal responses.

            “I have already run workshops in twenty-five yeshivas,” Mr. Rizel, a seasoned mechanechwhose training is in mental health counseling, begins. “What is our focus?  We want to help young adults be proactive, to impart tools that will better enable them to be ‘roeh es hanolad’ and ultimately not do things they could regret later.  This approach is taken from the classic Mussar sefer, Orchos Tzaddikim.”

            Mainly working with twelfth graders, the program addresses real concerns many boys feel.  “They see what is happening in the frum world, and they don’t want to become another statistic.  We have been getting great responses.”

            One of those responses involved a bochur who, a year ago, heard Mr. Rizel say, “Anger is a part of life, but we want to keep it from becoming a way of life.”  Upon seeing Mr. Rizel a year later, the bochur repeated the quote verbatim to Mr. Rizel, showing the profound impact the statement had originally made on him.

            The program follows the wisdom of Mr. Rizel’s Rebbe, Rav Shaya Cohen, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Zichron Aryeh, who says, “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I’ll remember; involve me, and I will understand.”

            Yeshivas across the spectrum of Jewish life are presenting these workshops, which focus on such topics as controlling anger; communication skills; decision making; orienting oneself toward a healthy relationship; conflict management, and self esteem. Participants interact with the presenter, and role play to experience situations from a different point of view.

            “In order to walk a mile in another man’s shoes, first you have to take off your own,” Mr. Rizel observes. He points out that the role playing each workshop includes helps boys see relationships differently, helping them advance in their interpersonal skills.

            For the workshop on anger, Mr. Rizel utilizes a customized multimedia Powerpoint presentation replete with animated graphics and sound bites.  The boys actually write their answers to different prompts directlyon the screen.  “The Powerpoint presentation brings the topic alive,” Mr. Rizel states.  “It is so much more effective than walking into a classroom, and giving a speech.”

                        “What I like about working with older boys,” Mr. Rizel continues, “is that I return on a repeated basis, establishing a platform for discussion. The kids challenge a lot.  I come into the room in a good natured way, and tell them I am there to benefit them.  Hearing that specifically, sometimes they are skeptical.  They look at me askance the first time they meet me, and ask me, ‘Are you here to tell us not to abuse our wives?’ They are not used to talking about this in a classroom setting, but they also know I‘m there to help them.  This is a training ground, helping them to develop lifelong emotional resiliency.”

            The program, offered free to all yeshivas, lays the foundation for the Shalom Workshop programs for couples, to help couples create healthy, emotionally relationships.  Mr. Rizel’s approach is always to get them thinking, before any presentation occurs.

            “Dr. David Pelcovitz once said to me, ‘Moving someone from pre-contemplation to contemplation, to the point where they are thinking about things, has great long-term benefits.’” This task is made difficult when working with sometimes resistant adolescents, who are hesitant to engage in the process from the outset.To illustrate this point, Mr. Rizel tells the following story.

             “A story that resonates most with me took place in an immigrant school.  Our workshop series had been going for some time already, when a new student entered the school.  Looking on in bewilderment as to the content and process of the session, the boy was taken aback.  After the session ended, and the classroom emptied, he approached me and said in heavily accented English, ‘What is this stupid program that you are doing?’”

             “I paused and responded in the boy’s native tongue, ‘It was really nice meeting you today.’”

            “Not expecting that answer, he was silent for a moment, and in a hushed voice, said, ‘Thank you. It was really nice to meet you, too.’”

            “I felt that his response helped underscore the value that the program represented to him, a resource that will benefit him in his life and his relationships.”

            A new aspect of the men’s program also includes workshops for rabbanum and chassan teachers.  Recently, Dr. Shia Friedman led such a workshop on private marital concerns. 

            Panim el Panim has received haskamos from Rav Matisyahu Salomon, Mashgiach of Bais Medrash Govoha; Rav Dovid Weinberger, Mara D’Asra of Congregation Shaaray Tefila in Lawrence; and Rav Chaim Pinchas Sheinberg, Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Or.

            Rav Salomon’s haskama letter for the program had this to say:  “A new program for Tikun HaMiddos called Panim el Panim has been started.  The purpose of the project has been to focus on Chinuch HaMussar in helping a high school bochur in his quest to become anAdam HaShaleim.  Panim el Panim has developed a Torah-Based curriculum for mesivta bochurim using Chazelas well as practical eitzos of Gedolei Ba’alei Mussar to help improve the quality of their relationships with members of their mishpachas, their chaverim, and ultimately, their marriages.. . . This program has tremendous toeles, and is an important step toward building successful mishpachas for Klal Yisroel that will, Im Yirtzah Hashem, accompany the ushering in of the yimei haMoshiach.” 

            For information on Panim el Panim, call Meir Rizel at Shalom Task Force, 212-742-1478, ext 4.