Breaking The Silence
By Aviva Hoch
Reprinted from Amit Woman, December 1994
On Sunday, May I, 1994, the lead article of 'The Nation," a feature of the New York Times "Week in Review" section, described changes in the way law enforcement officials are handling complaints of domestic violence. Many who read the detailed article, sighed at the telling photograph of a victimized woman and child, and turned the page. How many among us were aware that this acute problem also rages within our “safe” Jewish communities?
Magazine articles with titles such as "Exploding the Myth" (Jewish Week, NY, May. 1992), "Domestic Violence: Too Close to Home" (Jewish Image, Dec. 1993) and "Waking Up to the Reality of Abuse" (Jewish World, April 1994) have underscored the denial which has surrounded us until recently. (Editor's note: In the September-October 1984 issue of Amit Woman, an article entitled "The Best-Kept Secret" by Margot Schnall, z"l and Lea Steinmetz focused on this issue.
Domestic abuse is defined as emotional, verbal or physical abuse of one spouse by another: in 95% of the cases, it is the wife who is abused by the husband in his quest for power and control. (Child abuse is not dealt with in this article.) The problem occurs in 15-20% of any population, at every financial or educational level in urban as well as rural settings, and in every religious and ethnic group. Denial of this problem within the Jewish community is based on several commonly held beliefs: the myth of the gentle Jewish husband; the concept that only "crazy" men abuse their wives; the primacy of shalom bayis (family harmony) as a goal among committed Jews; and the invisibility of those so oppressed. In fact on the average, the battered Jewish wife will endure ten more years of this treatment than her non-Jewish counterpart before appealing for help.
Why do Jewish women wait so long? A number of factors contribute to their hesitation: 1) Many have a deep personal stake in continuing their marriages: they would not be able to afford to maintain their homes and keep their children in yeshivot without the financial support of their husbands. 2) They have been inculcated from childhood with their specific responsibilities as wives and mother: to be a balabusta (ideal house-wife; to create and maintain harmony; to please one’s husband. Abuse engenders in them strong feelings of inadequacy and shame, since they perceive it as arising from their own failure to fulfill these obligations. They therefore strive to hide this failure, creating an exterior aura of harmony. i.e., success. 3) Issues which are foreign to the world at large such as finding a suitable shidduch (marriage partner) for their children should their situation become known also play a role in delaying the cry for assistance. 4) Finally, those women who do seek help are often rebuffed by their families, friends, or even rabbis who either cannot believe this problem exists within their world, or respond by questioning the behavior and abilities of the abused woman.
Fortunately, the veil of secrecy on this issue has been lifted. Mikvah attendants (those assisting married women during their monthly visit to the ritual baths), who see the same bruised women month after month; often function as the first advocates for change. Anonymous hotlines set up for general purposes in various Jewish communities have been getting numerous calls on this topic, bringing awareness of its urgency to established assistance and relief organizations.
Teachers and physicians have undergone training to help them spot the symptoms of this domestic trauma as it affects both he women and their children. Further, extensive media coverage of this issue in the world at large has sensitized women who, when they encounter such situations closer to home feel empowered to do something about it. And so, a new movement grows: Jewish response to the problem of domestic abuse within our communities.
The newest response in the New York area to the plight of the abused Jewish woman is the Shalom Task Force, an organization devoted to assisting these victims and to educating the Jewish Community about domestic abuse. This group, founded by Mrs. Nechama Wolfson, maintains a hotline manned by extensively trained volunteers. It also offers volunteer speakers to address community groups and Jewish high schools.
The problems being confronted by these organizations are not without solutions. Cheryl Kramer, clinical supervisor Alternatives to Domestic Violence" in Bergen County, N.J., maintains that with the proper counseling and guidance, many abusers are able to reform; with patience and professional help their families may eventually reconstruct a normal life together. Heightened awareness among professional and lay leaders has also created more options for the victim seeking help. Furthermore, even among those rabbis and loaders who traditionally preach the importance of shalom bayit as an absolute value, this issue is becoming recognized as a threat to their constituents. Thus if the local rabbi is unsympathetic or incredulous, an abused Jewish woman can by now surely find amore understanding authority within her community.
In the 16th century, Rav Moshe Isserles (the "Rama") wrote in his commentary, to the Shulchan Arukh (a compilation of Jewish laws): "[A man who beats his wife has committed a sin].” It is our prayer that his words will be studied, respected and heed with the attention they deserve.
AVIVA J. HOCH. is a fine arts appraiser and museum consultant is a life member of the Ilana Rena Chapter of Amit in Queens, N Y.
(For more informantion, contact the hotline at 1-888-883-8383 or the administrative offices at 1-212-742-1478 or visit their website at www.shalomtaskforce.org.)