Shalom Task Force - Promoting Peaceful Relations & Healthy Marriages

Question: Is battering the only form of domestic abuse?

In discussing the occurrence of domestic violence, we must first understand what is meant by the terms "domestic violence" or "domestic abuse.” Most of us still have the image of an abused woman as bloodied and battered, a victim of physical violence; this is a misperception.

Physical violence often, but not always accompanies domestic abuse; it is merely the punctuation in the life story of the person who lives in an atmosphere of harrowing fear. The truth is that a person can be abused and controlled without ever being hit. Many women report that the damage done by emotional abuse is ever greater.

Domestic abuse has been defined as a pattern of coercive control that one partner in a relationship exercises over the other in order to dominate, or gain and maintain power and control. In the overwhelming majority of situations the victim is the woman; in our community, where marriage is the norm, we are talking about the wife.

The easiest way to understand what occurs in an abusive relationship is through graphic illustration. The Power and Control wheel was created by the Duluth Project base in Minnesota. This illustration has been used for years to help people understand what domestic abuse looks like. At the center of the wheel is the core of an abusive relationship.

The goal in that relationship is for the abuser to gain and maintain power and control over the victim. As the Wheel illustrates, this is done through the use of various tactics, which are illustrated by the various pieces of the pie. As mentioned above, abuse need not be physical to inflict severe harm. I can be, and often is, emotional, psychological, economic and sexual. Below, we will examine types of abuse and the tactics used.

Intimidation has been described as “the use of actions, words and looks that are meant to frighten, scare or bully." Examples of intimidation are yelling and screaming, destroying the spouse's prized possessions, throwing things, punching walls, driving recklessly while one's spouse is in the car or by blocking her exit from a room. The abusive spouse may give his wife a look that implies "You'll be sorry" or may generally make her 'feel like she has to "walk on eggshells" to avoid his rage.

Emotional abuse "any attempt to, make one's spouse feel bad about herself or any attack on her self-esteem." Some examples are name-calling, put-downs, humiliating or degrading her, whether in private, or even worse, in front of family or friends. Some abusers will blame their wives for their own bad behavior or hold their wives accountable for actions they cannot possibly control. The abuser might to make his wife doubt her own sanity.

Isolation is not a behavior, but rather the end result of many kinds of abusive treatment. Isolating one's spouse involves any attempt to control who she associates with, what she does, what she wants for herself or what she thinks or feels and subtly creating negative repercussions for her when she disobeys. A husband may start a fight, call her friends or family names or make life generally difficult for his wife when she associates with someone he disapproves of. In other cases, he may require her to account for her time, listen in on phone conversations, monitor her activities or accuse her of imagined affairs or flirtations.