The Problem Is Ours
By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
Reprinted from Jewish Action, Spring 5755/1995
There is a potent word in the Yiddish vocabulary, so potent that it has influenced attitudes. Even those who do not under stand a single word of Yiddish are affected by it. The word is “shanda.”
Shame is deplorable, as is disgrace, but neither of the two pack the wallop of "shonda." It may not be so much in the word itself as in the tone and inflection of the voice when something is described as being a "shonda." Whatever it is, the shonda is so loathsome and so despicable that its very existence must be denied. So while it is certainly bad to be a goniff, there is just no comparison to being, for example, a shikker, because the latter is a shonda.
What this is all driving at is the denial that prevails in the Jewish community, especially in the observant community about spouse abuse. Wife battering is so repulsive a concept, so terrible a shonda, that no one dares mention it. God forbid that a rabbi whose counsel is sought regarding a family problem should dare ask whether there is physical or emotional wife abuse. How dare he accuse Jewish husbands of behavior that is so great a shonda? What is worse, the wife may not mention it either. 'What's the use? My husband will deny it. The rabbi will not believe me and he will think I am crazy. Everyone knows that a Jewish husband would never lay a violent hand on his wife." Traditionally, cherishing and protecting one's wife is as inherently Jewish as gefilte fish. “I couldn’t even tell my own parents. They would never believe me.
One woman reported that her parents did believe her, but told her to return to her husband and not jeopardize the welfare of her two children. She now has seven children and feels trapped, helpless, and hopeless. “I can’t live in this hell, and I have no way of getting out."
Wife battering has been very much in the news recently, but the belief persists that the Jewish family is immune to spouse abuse, and certainly to child abuse. While the incidence is probably less than in the non-Jewish population, it is by no means negligible. Several communities have developed hotlines in the Jewish Family Service and several have developed shelters to provide kosher food for the observant battered wife who must flee for her life. But on the whole, denial of the problem and coverup prevail.
Jewish professionals, whether therapists or rabbis, may not inquire about spouse abuse, and if they do, they may accept a negative answer as being factual without investigating the matter further. In those cases where the husband admits abuse he may cry with remorse and promise never again to lay a hand on his wife, and the belief that teshuvah is so ingrained that it may lead to the wishful thought that his behavior will indeed change. Unfortunately, promises by the wife abuser to change his behavior have the same value as those of the alcoholic or drug addict: totally worthless.
Temporary separation and protection are often necessary while the husband is in treatment. Advising the wife to return to the husband for the sake of shalom bayis before a competent therapist has deemed it appropriate may, to put it bluntly, be sending her to her doom.
Wives are not the only victims of spouse abuse. The reverse may occur, with the husband being the victim of abusive wife. Statistically, however, the former is more frequent. Furthermore, an abused wife is at a greater disadvantage since she may feel herself trapped in the relationship because of lack of resources to support herself and the children. She may also feel herself at the mercy of her husband insofar as obtaining a divorce is concerned.
It is crucial that we divest ourselves of the delusion of immunity and recognize that the problem is ours. Rabbis and therapists ministering to the Jewish community should familiarize themselves thoroughly with the facts of life of spouse abuse, child and elder abuse, their dynamics, their manifestations, how one should inquire into their existence, and what one should do when either of these is suspected or diagnosed. More information should be disseminated in the Anglo-Jewish periodicals, in congregational bulletins, in symposia, and from the pulpit. Women should feel that the rabbi is an empathic listener and that he will do everything possible to get at the truth and to assist in whatever way necessary.
It is difficult enough for a woman to overcome her own denial and accept that she is a victim of abuse, and it is most distressing for her to seek help for this problem. It is unconscionable that her cry for help should go unheeded.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, the founder and Medical Director of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center, Aliquippa, PA, is one the country’s leading experts on alcohol and drug rehabilitation. He is the author o several books, including the recent Artscroll publication “The First Year of Marriage: Enhancing the success of your marriage right from the start - and even before it begins."
(For more information, contact the hotline at 1-888-883-8383 or the administrative offices at 1-212-742-1478 or visit their website at www.shalomtaskforce.org.) .