Shalom Task Force Event for Couples and Their Dating Children

By Liba Lieberman, Yated Ne’eman Newspaper

 

S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop, a program of Shalom Task Force, presented a special evening for the Far Rockaway and Five Towns communities, entitled “Navigating the Shidduch Process:  What Parents and Children Need to Know about Healthy Dating and Marriage”, on Wednesday evening, November 16^th, at the home of Dr. Lindsay and Rivki, Esq., CLC, Rosenwald in Lawrence.  The presentation featured Dr. David Pelcovitz and Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, CSW, who presented different views on going through “the parsha”.

Dr. Pelcovitz, a noted psychologist, discussed the power of expectations, citing the work that marriage entails by its very nature.  He referred to conflict in a marriage as something that can be a burden weighing down a couple, or a song that can bring a couple to a loftier place.  Unrealistic expectations must be avoided, he explained, since life is about stress.  Expectations must include that absolute fact.

“You’re looking for someone who knows how to handle the stress of marriage,” he pointed out to the audience.  “You don’t have to think alike, but you have to think together.”

He shared three key points for a good marriage.  The first was to share a vision or dream—to be more or less on the same page.  “Know who you are, and where you are going,” he mentioned.  That self knowledge included looking to parents for guidance.  After all, he continued, “What they think is important.  No one knows you better.”    

The second point Dr. Pelcovitz brought out was knowing how to fight.  “It’s not important how much you fight, but how you fight.  See how quickly the other person forgives, and appreciates another perspective.  Optimism after a fight is also very important.”

His final point was very simple—couples need to bring out the best in each other.  “Marriage should be an engine of growth,” he concluded.  “We grow through conflict.”

The second speaker of the evening was Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, CSW, who created a memorable presentation based on the letters in the word “remember”.  “R” stands for relationship, specifically between parents and children.  He cited the urgency of parents developing a relationship with their children when they are young, so that they can rely on that relationship to continue during shidduchim.

“E,” Rabbi Salomon explained, “stands for the male ego.”  Boys need a secretary, and girls need agents.  The well know counselor bemoaned the effect lists have on our sons, and urged parents not to tell their sons how many and which girls they are considering.

“M” is for—well—mishagashim!  Don’t ask questions like, “Does the boy wear loafers or laces?  How is the family’s table cleared?  What is the boy’s hat size?  Where are the grandparents buried?”  Every question cited had actually been asked to Rabbi Salomon.

The second “E” in remember stands for “Emes”.  “Be true to yourself and to your children,” he pointed out.  Be honest in asking what they really need.  Choose what is really right for each child.

“M” for the second time in “remember” is about being mentschlich.  If you are not interested in a shidduch, say so.  If you aren’t sure, don’t say yes, if you mean maybe.  “B” is about balance, specifically the financial balance—or imbalance-- that requires the girl’s family should support a couple.  He stated his personal opinion that the financial arrangements should be shared by both sides.

The final “E” is for effort.  As someone once said to Rabbi Salomon, “If the phone doesn’t ring, I pick it up.”  Nudge people.  Call around.  And daven.  Davening creates a trail, a connection with the Ribono Shel Olam.

Finally, the last “R” in “remember” is for reconsider. Try “Plan B” if “Plan A” didn’t succeed.  The session was followed by a sobering address from Rabbi Dovid Weinberger, Mara D’Asra of Congregation Shaaray Tefila.  He spoke about Shalom Task Force’s historic mission.  “I have worked with Shalom Task Force for fifteen years, training rabbis about domestic abuse and getting abuse prevention programs into yeshivas.  The S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop is all about having a future where we won’t have a divorce rate like we have been seeing in the past few years.”

The rav continued his appeal.  “”We need to create healthier human beings who will be proper spouses and parents, to have healthy marriages.  The only way is with preparation.  We, hopefully, are preparing your children, and your friends’ children, for that task. So we call upon you to become partners in this vital work.  I believe people are clamoring and waiting to be informed, to be instructed.”

A lively question and answer period followed.

For more information on Shalom Task Force programs, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org or call 212-742-1478. For the Shalom Task Force hotline call 1-888-883-2323.